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NARRATOR: My name is Mary Alice Y oung. When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life. That all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed as normal at first. I made my breakfast for my family. MARY ALICE::Here we are. Waffles.

NARRATOR: I performed my chores.

NARRATOR: I completed my projects.

NARRATOR: I ran my errands

NARRATOR: In truth, I spent the day as I spend every other day - quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection.

NARRATOR: That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet to retrieve a revolver that had never been used.

NARRATOR: My body was discovered by my neighbour, Mrs. Martha Huber, who had been startled by a strange popping sound. Her curiosity aroused, Mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced. After some initial hesitation, she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me 6 months before.

MRS HUBER: (on the phone) It's my neighbour. I think she's been shot, there's blood everywhere. Y es, you've got to send an ambulance. Y ou've got to send one right now!

NARRATOR: And for a moment, Mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen, grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy. But, only for a moment.

NARRATOR: If there was one thing Mrs. Huber was known for, it was her ability to look on the bright side. NARRATOR: I was laid to rest on a Monday. After the funeral, all the residents of Wisteria Lane came to pay their respects. And as people do in this situation, they brought food.

NARRATOR: Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken. Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken. NARRATOR: Of course, she didn't cook much as she was moving up the corporate ladder. She didn't have the time.

NARRATOR: But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant, her husband Tom had an idea. Why not quit your job? Kids do much better with stay at home mums; it was so much less stressful.

NARRATOR: But this was not the case.

NARRATOR: In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic she was now forced to get her chicken from a fast food restaurant. Lynette would have appreciated the irony of it if she stopped to think about it, but she couldn't. She didn't have the time.

LYNETTE: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

LYNETTE: Stop it, stop it, stop it. Stop it.


LYNETTE: No, you are going to behave today. I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighbourhood. And, just so you know how serious I am...

PRESTON: What's that?

LYNETTE: Santa's cell-phone number.

PORTER: How'd you get that?

LYNETTE: I know someone, who knows someone, who knows an elf. And if anyone of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas. Y ou willing to risk that?

SCA VO kids: Uh-uh!


LYNETTE: Let's get this over with.

NARRATOR: Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block, brought a spicy paella.

NARRATOR: Since her modelling days in New Y ork, Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food and rich men. Carlos, who worked in mergers and acquisitions, proposed on their third date. Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes.

NARRATOR: But she soon discovered this happened every time Carlos closed a big deal.

NARRATOR: Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot. However, her relationship with her husband was

considerably cooler.

CARLOS: If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace.

GABRIELLE: Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest?

CARLOS: He let me know how much he paid for his wife's new convertible. Look, just work it into the conversation.

GABRIELLE: There's no way I can just work that in, Carlos.

CARLOS: Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds. And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Y ankee outfield.

GABRIELLE: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.

CARLOS: Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down please?

GABRIELLE: (sigh) Absolutely. Wouldn't want them to think we're not happy.

NARRATOR: Bree V an De Kamp, who lives next door, brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch. Bree was known for her cooking.

NARRATOR: And for making her own clothes.

NARRATOR: And for doing her own gardening.

NARRATOR: And for reupholstering her own furniture.

NARRATOR: Y es, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighbourhood. And everyone on Wisteria Lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother. Everyone, that is, except her own family.

BREE: Paul, Zachary.

ZACH: Hello Mrs. V an De Kamp.

PAUL: Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble.

BREE: It was no trouble at all. Now the basket with the red ribbon PAUL: Thank you.

BREE: Well, the least I could do is make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning. I know you're out of your minds with grief.

PAUL: Y es, we are.

BREE: (beat) Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done.

PAUL: Of course.

NARRATOR: Susan Meyer, who lives across the street, brought macaroni and cheese. Her husband Carl always teased her about her macaroni, saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook, and she rarely made it well. It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their new house.

NARRATOR: It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl's shirt.

NARRATOR: She burned it the night Carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary.

NARRATOR: A year had passed since the divorce. Susan was starting to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life, even one who would make fun of her cooking.

JULIE: Mom, why would someone kill themselves?

SUSAN: Well, sometimes people are so unhappy they think it's the only way they can solve their problems. JULIE: But Mrs. Y oung always seemed happy.

SUSAN: Y eah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside and they're totally different on the inside.

JULIE: Oh you mean how Dad's girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things but deep down you just know she's a bitch.

SUSAN: I don't like that word, Julie. But yeah, that's a great example.

JULIE: Hey, what's going on?

SUSAN: Sorry I'm late.


LYNETTE: (smiles at SUSAN) Hey.

MARY ALICE: So? What did Carl say when you confronted him?

SUSAN: Y ou'll love this, he said it doesn't mean anything, it was just sex.

BREE: Oh yes, page one of the philanderer's handbook.

SUSAN: Yeah, and then he got this Zen look on his face, and he said, you know Susan, most men live lives of quiet desperation.

LYNETTE: Please tell me you punched him.

SUSAN: No, I said, really? And what do most women lead, lives of noisy fulfillment?


MARY ALICE: Good for you.

SUSAN: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch. GABRIELLE: It's like my grandmother always said, an erect penis doesn't have a conscience.

LYNETTE: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.

BREE: This is half the reason I joined the NRA. (SUSAN looks at her.) Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences, I wanted at the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home, with a loaded Smith and Wesson.

MARY ALICE: Lynnie? Tom's always away on business. Do you ever worry he might..?

LYNETTE: Oh, please, the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. (smiles)

BREE: So Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman?

SUSAN: I don't know. I'm sorry you guys, I just... I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.

MARY ALICE: Listen to me. We all have moments of desperation. But if we can face them head on, that's how we find out just how strong we really are.

BREE: Susan? Susan. I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on Friday. He needs us to go t hrough Mary Alice's closet, and help pack up her things. He says he can't face doing it by himself.

SUSAN: Sure, that's fine.

BREE: Are you OK?

SUSAN: Y eah. I'm just so angry. If Mary Alice was having problems, she should have come to us; she should have let us help her.

GABRIELLE: What kind of problems could she have had? She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family. Her life was?-

LYNETTE: -our life.

GABRIELLE: No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes.

SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must've been going on.

SUSAN: Oh, I wouldn't eat that if I were you.

MIKE: Why?

SUSAN: I made it, trust me. Hey, hey, do you have a death wish?

MIKE: No, I just refuse to believe that anybody can screw up macaroni and cheese.

MIKE: Oh my god. How did you?it tastes like it's burnt and undercooked.

SUSAN: Y eah, I get that a lot. Here you go.

MIKE: Thanks. I'm Mike Delfino, I just rented out the Sim's house next door.

SUSAN: Susan Meyer, I live across the street.

MIKE: Oh yeah, Mrs. Huber told me about you, said you illustrate children's books

SUSAN: Y eah I'm very big with the under 5 set. (MIKE laughs) What do you do?

MIKE: Plumber. So if you ever have a clog. Or something.

SUSAN: (laughs) Now that everybody's seen that I've brought something, I should probably just throw this out. LYNETTE: (to baby) Ow! Ease up, you little vampire.

MRS. HUBER: Lynette! I've been looking all over for you.


MRS. HUBER:Are you aware of what your sons are doing?

SCA VO kids: Stop. Arrrggggh. Hah!

LYNETTE: What are you doing!? We are at a wake!

PRESTON: When we got here, you said we could go in the pool.

LYNETTE: I said you could go by the pool. Do you have your swimsuits on??

PORTER: Y eah, we put them on under our clothes just before we left.

LYNETTE: Y ou three planned this?? Alright, that's it. Get out!


LYNETTE: No? I am your mother. Y ou have to do what I say. Come on.

PRESTON: We wanna swim and you can't stop us.


LYNETTE: Get out. Or I will get in this pool and just grab you, get out! Get over here. Get over here. Get back or I'll kill you.

LYNETTE: That's right, get over here. Go, go, go, ugh. Move it. Out. Get out.

LYNETTE: Paul. We have to leave now. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss. (to kids) Go! NARRATOR: Lynette shouldn't have been so concerned about my husband. He had other things on his mind. Things below the surface.

NARRATOR: The morning after my funeral, my friends and neighbours quietly went back to their busy, busy lives. Some did their cooking.

NARRATOR: And some did their cleaning.

NARRATOR: And some did their yoga.

NARRATOR: Others did their homework.


JULIE: I'm Julie, I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.

MIKE: Oh, OK. Well, let's go round and get it. (to dog) Stay.

JULIE: His wife died a year ago, he wanted to stay in LA but there were too many memories. He's renting for tax purposes, but he's hoping to buy a place real soon.

SUSAN: I can't believe you went over there.

JULIE: Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake. Y ou're obviously into each other. Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out.

SUSAN: Julie, I like Mr. Delfino, I do. It's just, I don't know if I'm ready to start dating yet.

JULIE: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you're had sex? (SUSAN's pen halts stroke. She turns to look at JULIE, open-mouthed.) Are you mad that I asked you that?

SUSAN: No, I'm just trying to remember. I don't wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out.

JULIE: I wouldn't have said anything it's just?

SUSAN: What?

JULIE: I heard Dad's girlfriend asking if you'd dated anyone since the divorce, and Dad said he doubted it. (SUSAN looks down at her lap.) And then they both laughed. (SUSAN turns to look at JULIE, mouth open in indignation. That does it.)

MIKE: Hey, Susan.

SUSAN: Hi Mike. (smiles) I brought you a little housewarming gift. I probably should've brought something by earlier, but...

MIKE: Actually, you're the first in the neighbourhood to stop by.

SUSAN: Really? (She laughs)

NARRATOR: Susan knew she was lucky. An eligible bachelor had moved onto Wisteria Lane, and she was the first to find out. But she also knew that good news travels quickly.

EDIE: (waving as she walks, holding a dish) Hello there!

NARRATOR: (slow motion shot of Edie jogging towards MIKE and SUSAN) Edie Britt was the most predatory divorcee in a 5 block radius. Her conquests were numerous.

NARRATOR: V aried?

NARRATOR: And legendary.

EDIE: Hi Susan, I hope I'm not interrupting. Y ou must be Mike Delfino. Hi, I'm Edie. Britt. I live over there

(points). Welcome to Wisteria Lane.

NARRATOR: Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut.

MIKE: Thank you, what's this?

EDIE: Sausage Puttenesca. It's just something I threw together.

MIKE: Thanks, Edie. That's great. Uh, I'd invite you both in, but I was sorta in the middle of something. SUSAN: Oh, I'm late for an appointment anyway.

EDIE: Oh, no problem, I just wanted to say hi.

MIKE: Well, thanks.

NARRATOR: And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun. For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly.

EDIE:) Oh, Mike. I heard you're a plumber?

MIKE: Y eah.

EDIE: Do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?

NARRATOR: But she was reminded that when it came to men? Women don't fight fair.

MIKE: Sure.

EDIE: Thanks. Bye Susan.

GABRIELLE: [OS] Y ou can't order me around like I'm a child!

CARLOS: Gabrielle...

GABRIELLE: No. No, no, no, I'm not going.

CARLOS: It's business, Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.

GABRIELLE: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.

CARLOS: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. CARLOS: John!

JOHN: Ow. (turns around to look at CARLOS) Mr. Solis. Y ou scared me.

CARLOS: Why is that bush still there? I told you to dig it up last week.

JOHN: I didn't have time last week.

CARLOS: I don't wanna hear your excuses, just take care of it.

GABRIELLE: I really hate the way you talk to me.

CARLOS: And I really hate that I spent $15,000 on your diamond necklace that you

couldn't live without. But I'm learning to deal with it. So. Can I tell Tanaka we'll be there tomorrow night? GABRIELLE: John. We have bandages top shelf in the kitchen.

JOHN: Thanks, Mrs. Solis. GABRIELLE: Fine. I'll go. But I'm keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time.

CARLOS: See? Now this is what a marriage is all about - compromise.

GABRIELLE: Is your finger ok?

JOHN: Y eah, yeah, it's just a small cut.

GABRIELLE: Let me see. Mmmm. JOHN: Y ou know, Mrs. Solis, uhh, I really like it when we hook up. But, um, you know I gotta get my work done, I can't afford to lose this job.

GABRIELLE: This table is hand carved. Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost it $23,000.

JOHN: Y ou wanna do it on the table this time?

GABRIELLE: Absolutely.

(JOHN takes his shirt off and kisses GABRIELLE, laying her down on the table as they start to get it on.) DANIELLE: Why can't we ever have normal soup?

BREE: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

DANIELLE: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of? Like, french onion or navy bean. BREE: First of all, your father can't eat onions, he's deadly allergic. And I won't even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So. How's the osso bucco?


BREE: It's OK? Andrew, I spent 3 hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say

it's OK, in that sullen tone?

ANDREW: Who asked you to spend 3 hours on dinner? BREE: Excuse me?

ANDREW: Tim Harper's mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they're eating, everyone's happy.

BREE: Y ou'd rather I serve pork and beans?

DANIELLE: Apologize now, I am begging.

ANDREW: I'm just saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?

BREE: Are you doing drugs?

ANDREW: What!?

BREE: Change in behaviour is one of the warning signs, and you have been as fresh as paint for the last 6 months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.

DANIELLE: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

ANDREW: Shut up. (REX looks embarrassed. BREE glances at REX, then back at ANDREW incredulously) Mom, I'm not the one with the problem here, alright? Y ou're the one always acting like she's running for mayor of Stepford.

BREE: Rex. Seeing as you're the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something. REX: (beat) Pass the salt?

NARRATOR: Three days after my funeral, Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion - indignation.

LYNETTE: Tom, this is my 5th message and you still haven't called me back. Well, you must be having a lot of fun on your business trip. I can only imagine. Well, guess what, the kids and I wanna have some fun too, so unless you call me back by noon, we are getting on a plane and joining you.


LYNETTE: Not now, honey, Mommy's threatening Daddy.


LYNETTE: No, I am not... Where're your brothers?

PORTER: Noodles, my favourite!

SHOPPER: Lynette Scavo?

LYNETTE: (sot to) Crap. Natalie Klein, I don't believe it!

SHOPPER: Lynette! How long has it been?

LYNETTE:Years! Uh, how are you, how's the firm?

SHOPPER: Good, everyone misses you.


SHOPPER: We all say, if you hadn't quit, you'd be running the place by now.

LYNETTE: Y eah, well.

SHOPPER: So?how's domestic life? Don't you just love being a mom?

NARRATOR: And there it was - the question that Lynette always dreaded.

LYNETTE: ) Well, to be honest...

NARRATOR: To those who asked it, only one answer was acceptable. So, Lynette responded as she always did - she lied.

LYNETTE: It's the best job I've ever had.

JOHN: Y ou know what I don't get?


JOHN: Why you married Mr. Solis.

GABRIELLE: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.

JOHN: Well, did he?


JOHN: Then... why aren't you happy?

GABRIELLE: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

JOHN: So. Do you love him?


JOHN: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?

GABRIELLE: Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out. JOHN: Hey, can I have a drag?

GABRIELLE: Absolutely not. Y ou are much too young to smoke.

SUSAN: How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery?

JULIE: Stop being so nervous, you're just asking him out to dinner. It's no big deal.

SUSAN: Y ou're right. )So, is that your project for school? Y ou know in 5th grade I made the white house out of sugar cubes.

JULIE: Stop stalling and go. Before Mike figures out he can do better.

SUSAN: Tell me again why I fought for custody of you?

JULIE: Y ou were using me to hurt Dad.

SUSAN: Oh, that're right.

SUSAN: Oh god.

(JULIE smiles, looking back down at her project)

SUSAN: (smiles) Hi.

MIKE: Hey, Susan.

SUSAN: Are you busy?

MIKE: No, not at all, what's up?

SUSAN: Well, I., I just was wondering, if, um, if there was any chance that, um, you would uh... I just... wanted to ask if...

SUSAN: Edie. What are you...?

EDIE: I was making ambrosia, and I made too much so I thought I'd bring some over to Mike. What's going on?

MIKE: Uh, Susan was just about to ask me something.

SUSAN: Uh... I have a clog.

MIKE: Excuse me?

SUSAN: And you're a plumber. Right?

MIKE: Y eah.

SUSAN: The clog's in the pipe.

MIKE: Y eah, that's usually where they are.

SUSAN: (laughs) Well, I've got one.

MIKE: Well, let me get my tools.

SUSAN: Now? Y ou wanna come over now? (uh oh.) Y-you have company.

EDIE: I don't mind. MIKE: Just give me 2 minutes. I'll be right over.

SUSAN: That's it, just stuff the hair down.

JULIE: I stuffed it; it's not enough to clog it.

SUSAN: Here, here, look. Put in this peanut butter. And this cooking oil.

JULIE: Mom, Mom I'm telling you it's not working.

SUSAN: Uh, oh god. That's him. How am I gonna stuff up the sink...

MIKE: Well. Here's your problem. Looks like somebody stuffed a bunch of popsicle sticks down there. SUSAN: I've told Julie a million times not to play in the kitchen. Kids, y' know?

SERVER:Alright, I'll go put in your order. I'll be right back with your drinks and your plates for the salad bar. REX: Thank you.

BREE: Andrew, Danielle, napkins?

ANDREW: They have video games. Can we go play until our food gets here?

BREE: Andrew. This is family time. I think we should all...

REX: Go ahead and play. BREE: I know that you think I'm angry about coming here, but I'm not. I mean, the kids wanted a change of pace, something fun. I get it. Probably will want something healthier tomorrow night though, I'm thinking about chicken?

REX: I want a divorce.I just can't live in this... this detergent commercial anymore.

SERVER:The salad bar's right over there, help yourself.

REX: Thank you.

BREE: Um. Think I'll go get your salad for you.

MRS. HUBER:Bree V an De Kamp!

BREE: Oh, hello Mrs. HuberMRS. HUBER:Oh we didn't get a chance to talk at Mary Alice's wake. How are you doing?

NARRATOR: Bree longed to share the truth about her husband's painful betrayal, but sadly for Bree, admitting defeat was not an option.

BREE: Great. Everything is just great.

BREE: Okay, well, I got you the honey mustard dressing; the ranch looked just a little bit suspect.

REX: Are we gonna talk about what I just said?

BREE: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labelled "chicks" and "dudes, you're out of your mind.

REX: What's in this?

BREE: What do you mean what's in this? It's salad.

REX: With? with onions?

BREE: What?

REX: Y ou put onions in my salad!!

BREE: (gasps) No, I didn't! (realizing) Oh wait?

NARRATOR: The sound that awakened my son was something he'd heard only once before, many years ago, when he was quite young.

NARRATOR: But he recognized it instantly.

NARRATOR: It was the sound of family secret.

NARRATOR: Seven days after my funeral, life on Wisteria Lane finally returned to normal. Which, for some of my friends, was unfortunate.

PARKER:Mommy, Mommy!

LYNETTE: (sotto) Now what.

PARKER:Daddy's home!

TOM: (Come on! Is everybody home?

LYNETTE: Hey, yeah!

SCA VO kids: Y eah, yeah!

TOM: Hey!

LYNETTE: I wasn't expecting you for a week!

TOM: I have to go back to Frisco in the morning. When I got your call, you sounded a little frazzled. LYNETTE: Y eah! It's been a little rough!

TOM: Hmm, yeah, peaches.

PARKER:Daddy, Daddy, did you buy us any presents?

TOM: Oh god, presents. Oh, wait a minute, lemme see.

SCA VO kids: Y aaaaayyy!

TOM: But I'm not gonna give it to you, unless you promise me that you're gonna go outside right now and practice throwing for 20 minutes, okay? Y ou promise?

SCA VO kids: Y eah, yeah, yeah!!

TOM: Get out! Who's open! Go left!

SCA VO kids: Y eah yeah yeah!

TOM: Deeper, deeper, touchdown!

LYNETTE: Oh my god, oh my, oh!

LYNETTE: Ooh, you gotta be kidding! I'm exhausted! I look terrible, I'm covered in peaches!

TOM: Sorry baby, I gotta have you.

LYNETTE: Well, is it ok if I just lie here?

TOM: Absolutely.)

LYNETTE: I love you.

TOM: I love you more. L YNETTE: Oh wait, I gotta tell you, I was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took me off the pill, so you're just gonna have to put on a condom.

TOM: Condom?


TOM: What's the big deal? Let's risk it.

LYNETTE: Let's risk it?

TOM: Y eah.


REX: I can't believe you tried to kill me.

BREE: Y es, well, I feel badly about that. I told you, Mrs. Huber came over and I got distracted. It was a mistake.

REX: Since when do you make mistakes?

BREE: (laughing) What's that supposed to mean?

REX: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I-I-I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making the bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. Y ou're, you're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula, who says things like We owe the Hendersons a dinner? Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who, who used to burn the toast, drink milk out of the carton, and laugh? I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become.

BREE: These need water.

NARRATOR: BREE sobbed quietly in the bathroom for 5 minutes. But her husband never knew. Because when Bree finally emerged, she was perfect.

GABRIELLE: I found my earrings, we can go now.

CARLOS: Was John here today?

GABRIELLE: Well, yeah.

CARLOS: The lawn hasn't been mowed. I've had it; we're getting a real gardener.


CARLOS: Are you deaf? I just said, he's not doing his job.

GABRIELLE: It's dark, you just can't see that the lawn has been mowed.

CARLOS: It hasn't been. Feel this grass.

GABRIELLE: I'm not feeling the grass! Let's just get going, come on! We're late!

CARLOS: Take care of it.

V ALET: Yes, sir.

CARLOS: There's Tanaka. Time for me to go into my dance.

GABRIELLE: (smiles) Good luck, sweetheart.

GABRIELLE: Oh, excuse me.

W AITER: Ma'am?

GABRIELLE: Y ou see that man who just walked away? Can you make sure he has a drink in his hand all. night.

longWaiter: (smiles) Y es, ma'am.

MRS. HUBER:Susan? Susan!

SUSAN: (smiles) Oh. Mrs. Huber, how you doing?

MRS. HUBER:Not too well, I'm afraid. I'm trying to find something to soothe my stomach.

SUSAN: It's upset?

MRS. HUBER:Y eah, I had the worst macaroni and cheese at the wake, it's been running through my system ever since.

SUSAN: (sympathetic smile) Oh.

MRS. HUBER:And I need to be at my best tonight. Edie Britt's son is spending the night tonight.

SUSAN: (raises her eyebrows) He's spending the night?

MRS. HUBER:Apparently, Edie is having a gentleman friend over on dinner, and I think she plans on entertaining into the wee hours, if you know what I mean.

MRS. HUBER:Oh, here's some antacid. Have you ever tried this?

SUSAN: I can't believe it. This can't be happening. Mike can't like Edie better than me, he just can't! JULIE: I don't know what's going on. Maybe they're just... having dinner.

JULIE: Y ou're right. They're doing it.

SUSAN: Edie?

SUSAN: Edie? Hello..?

SUSAN: Anybody home? I need to borrow sugar?

EDIE: [OS] Oh! Oh my god!

NARRATOR: And just like that, the possibility that Susan had clung onto, the maybe of Mike Delfino was gone forever. And despite the precariousness of the situation, Susan took a moment to mourn her loss.

SUSAN: Oh... Oh! Oh!

NARRATOR: It didn't take long for Susan to realize, this was just not her night.

EDIE: (OS) Is somebody out there? Oh my god, there's smoke!

MRS. HUBER:...candles unattended in the den. Paramedics say she was lucky, she could've been killed! LYNETTE: She was having sex with some guy when the fire started.

GABRIELLE: What happened to him?

LYNETTE: He got smoke inhalation, he's at the hospital.


BREE: Susan, are you alright? Y ou look awful.

SUSAN: I'm fine. I'm fine. I just feel really bad for Edie.

GABRIELLE: Oh, don't worry about Edie. She's a strong lady.

LYNETTE: Absolutely. She'll get through this. She'll find a way to survive.

BREE: We all do.


SUSAN: (surprised) Mike!

NARRATOR: And suddenly, there he was, like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

SUSAN: I, I thought you were... um. Where were you?

MIKE: I just got back from the movies. Edie had a fire, huh?

SUSAN: Y eah. Y eah, but she's fine now. Everything's fine now.

NARRATOR: And just like that, Susan was happy. Life was suddenly full of possibilities.

NARRATOR: Not to mention a few unexpected surprises.

MAN: Hello?

MIKE: Hey, it's me.

MAN: Do you have anything yet.

MIKE: No, not yet, but don't worry. I'm definitely getting closer.

SUSAN: I brought some champagne. I thought we should all have a toast.

NARRATOR: The next day, my friends came together to pack away my clothes, my personal belongings, and what was left of my life.

SUSAN: Alright ladies, lift 'em up. To Mary Alice, good friend and neighbour. Wherever you are, we hope you've found peace.

LYNETTE: To Mary Alice.

GABRIELLE: To Mary Alice.

LYNETTE: Let's get this show on the road.

GABRIELLE: Y ou guys check out Mary Alice's clothes? Size 8, hah! She always told me she was a size 6. Guess we found the skeleton in her closet.

NARRATOR: Not quite, Gabrielle, not quite.

GABRIELLE: What's that?

BREE: It's a letter, addressed to Mary Alice.

NARRATOR: How ironic, to have something I tried so desperately to keep secret, treated so casually. LYNETTE: What're you doing? That's private.

GABRIELLE: It's open, what's the big deal?

SUSAN: What does this mean?

LYNETTE: I don't know, but check out the postmark.

BREE: Oh my god, she got it the day she died.

GABRIELLE: (takes the envelope, looking at it) Do you think this is why she...?

NARRATOR: I'm so sorry, girls. I never wanted you to be burdened with this.

SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do?

Previously on Desperate Housewives.

GABRIELLE: If Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known. She lives 50 feet away, for God's sakes.

SUSAN: Gabby, the woman killed herself. Something must've been going on.

GABRIELLE: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass!

CARLOS: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him. JOHN: Why aren't you happy?

GABRIELLE: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.

GABRIELLE: What's that?

BREE: It's a letter, addressed to Mary Alice.

SUSAN: Oh Mary Alice, what did you do?


NARRATOR: An odd thing happens when we die. Our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory. But our sight, ah, our sight expands. And we can suddenly see the world we've left behind so clearly. Of course, most of what's visible to the dead can also be seen by the living, if they only take the time to look.

NARRATOR: Like my friend Gabrielle. I should've seen how unhappy she was. But I didn't. I only saw her clothes from Paris;

NARRATOR: And her platinum jewellery;

NARRATOR: And her brand new diamond watch.

NARRATOR: Had I looked closer, I've seen that Gabrielle was a drowning woman, desperately in search of a life raft. Luckily for her, she found one.

NARRATOR: Of course, Gabrielle only saw her young gardener as a way to infuse her life with a little excitement. But now, she was about to discover just how exciting her life could get.

GABRIELLE: Damn it!? Come on.

JOHN: Whoa!

GABRIELLE: Come on, come on, hurry! Let's go, let's go!

JOHN: Where're the rest of my clothes?

GABRIELLE: I'll find them, just get out!

JOHN: Where?

GABRIELLE: Out the window.

JOHN: What?


GABRIELLE: Hi honey, you're home early!

CARLOS: My meeting got cancelled. Y ou just took a shower this morning.

GABRIELLE: I, uh, I just finished a workout.

CARLOS: Mmm. Where's John?


CARLOS: Y eah. That's his truck out front.

NARRATOR: Gabrielle was panicked. She knew if her husband discovered her secret, she would feel the full

force of his wrath.

JOHN: Hey Mr. Solis.

CARLOS: Hey, John, did you take care of that ficus yet?

JOHN: I'll get to it as soon as I've done here.

CARLOS: Alright. We need to talk about the hedges later.

NARRATOR: But she was quickly reminded that what Carlos couldn't see, couldn't hurt her.

JOHN: Y eah, sure, no problem.

NARRATOR: The peaceful facade of Wisteria Lane had recently been shattered. First by my suicide, and then by the discovery of a note among my belongings that suggested a suspicious reason for my desperate act. My friends gathered to discuss its implications.

SUSAN: (sighs) I think we should give it to Paul.

GABRIELLE: He's still mourning, Susan, he'll probably freak out.

SUSAN: It doesn't matter, she was his wife. He deserves to have all the facts.

BREE: Well, we could do it gently. We could tell him about it over coffee and pastry.

LYNETTE: That would be fun. Paul, we have proof your wife killed herself over some deep dark secret. Another ??

GABRIELLE: We could always call the .

LYNETTE: Maybe it's just some sort of sick joke.

BREE: Well if it was a joke, it was in very poor taste.

SUSAN: No, this was serious, I know it was. We gotta find out what was going on.

LYNETTE: Let's say we do. There's a chance we're not gonna like what we find.

SUSAN: Well, isn't it worse to be in the dark, imagining she did all these horrible things?

BREE: It's the age-old question, isn't it? How much do we really wanna know about our neighbours? NARRATOR: My friends were right to be concerned. They knew that every family has its secrets. And as my son and husband could've told them, you need to think carefully before digging them up.

NARRATOR: After talking for hours, my friends still hadn't agreed on what to do with the note. So, they decided to talk about it in the morning after a good night's rest. But no one could fall asleep that night. They each kept thinking of my suicide, and how terribly alone I must've felt. Y ou see, lonely was something my friend's understood all too well.

REX: (turns around) It's okay, I'm up.

BREE: ( Good. I have a question for you.

REX: Okay.

BREE: Do you remember when you proposed?

REX: For god's sake.

BREE: We sat on Skyline Drive and drank a bottle of apple wine. And when we finished it, you turned to me and you said, If you marry me, Bree Mason, I promise to love you for the rest of my life. And even though I was engaged to Ty Grant, and even though my father didn't like you, I said yes.

REX: That was a long time ago.

BREE: Y ou're gonna cancel the meeting with that divorce lawyer, and we're gonna find ourselves a marriage counsellor.

REX: Bree, I?

BREE: (looks crestfallen) Y ou promised.

REX: Alright.

BREE: (smiles) Good, I'm gonna go make myself some, uh, warm milk. Would you like something to drink? REX: Anything but apple wine.

sip as she looks out the window. She sees MIKE walking his dog across the road,

NARRATOR: Susan awoke that night alone and parched. And as she gazed out her window, she saw the tall drink of water she needed to quench her thirst.

JULIE: Dear Diary, Mike doesn't even know I'm alive.

SUSAN: Shut up.

JULIE: If you wanna date him, you're gonna have to ask him out.

SUSAN: I keep hoping he'll ask me out.

JULIE: How's that going?

SUSAN: Shouldn't you be making brownies for your nerdy friends?

JULIE: I can't find the measuring cup. Have you seen it?

SUSAN: The measuring cup? JULIE: Y eah.

SUSAN: Hm. Uh, well it's gotta be here somewhere. Just keep looking.

CARLOS: I know you're awake.

GABRIELLE: I know you're a jerk.

CARLOS: Dinner with Tanaka ran long, I'm sorry.

GABRIELLE: (sits up) Y ou know, Carlos, I didn't marry you so I could have dinner by myself 6 nights a week. Y ou know how bored I was today? I came this close to actually cleaning the house.

CARLOS: Don't be that way. I got you a gift.

GABRIELLE: Nope. No, no, no, no. you're not gonna buy your way outta this one.

CARLOS: It's a good gift.

GABRIELLE: Is that white gold?

CARLOS: Y eah. Put it on. And then make love to me.

GABRIELLE: I'm not in the mood. But, we could stay up and talk.

CARLOS: When a man buys a woman expensive jewellery, there are many things he may want in return. For future reference, conversation ain't one of them.

CARLOS: Hey, that was a joke.

GABRIELLE: Y eah, right.

CARLOS: What the hell's wrong with you?

GABRIELLE: Let go of me.

CARLOS: Y ou're been acting like a nightmare for a month. What's wrong?


CARLOS: I can't fix it unless you tell me.

GABRIELLE: (throws her arms free, and sits back on the bed, sighing) It's not exciting anymore, Carlos. CARLOS: So what am I supposed to do?

GABRIELLE: I don't know. Be the way you used to be, surprise me, take my breath away.

MIKE: Hey Susan.

SUSAN: (stops short, eyes wide, not turning around) Mike!

MIKE: What's wrong?

SUSAN: I didn't realize anyone was gonna be out here, I just sorta rolled outta bed.

MIKE: I'm sure you look fine.

SUSAN: Oooh.

MIKE: Ooh, Bongo, Bongo! Shh.. Sorry, uh, he scares easy.

SUSAN: No, it's fine, I get it.

MIKE: I didn't mean to disturb you. I'll see you later.

SUSAN: Do you wanna have dinner with me?

MIKE: Just the two of us?

SUSAN: Heh, well, and Julie. Uh, it's a thing we do when somebody new moves into the neighbourhood, we invite them over for a home-cooked meal. Sort of a tradition.

MIKE: Y ou said you were a lousy cook.

SUSAN: Well. I order takeout.

MIKE: Oh, you invite them over for a home-cooked meal and you order takeout.

SUSAN: Y eah, it's sort of a new tradition. I'm working out the kinks.

MIKE: I'll tell you what. How about I cook? And you guys come over to my place.

SUSAN: Oh. Great.

MIKE: Friday night at six?

SUSAN: I'll be there.

MIKE: Alright.

SUSAN: Bye, Bongo.

SUSAN: Julie? Mike Delfino just invited us to dinner Friday night.

JULIE: He did? Cool.

SUSAN: But only I'm going. Because you're gonna come down with something semi-serious that requires bed-rest and fluids.

NARRATOR: Julie was glad Susan was rekindling her love life. Of course, she was unaware of her mother's recent track record with fire.

EDIE: It's all gone. Everything my ex-husband's worked for all those years. Gone.

MRS HUBER: Don't worry about clothing, I already started a collection from people in the neighbourhood. EDIE: What? I don't wanna wear other people's old crap.

MRS HUBER: Edie, you can be homeless or you can be ungracious. Y ou really can't afford to be both. EDIE: That reminds me. My insurance cheque still hasn't come yet. Can I stay with you for a few more weeks? MRS HUBER: Of course. What kind of Christian would I be if I denied shelter to a friend in need? Oh look, here's something we can salvage, your measuring cup. We can just scrape off the burnt part and it'll look good as new.

EDIE: That's not my cup. Mine was plastic.

MRS HUBER: Well, how did it get in here?

EDIE: I don't know. Who cares? Now would you put that down and start looking for jewellery? NARRATOR: Doctor Albert Goldfine was the most accomplished marriage counsellor in the city. He had dealt with problems ranging from substance abuse, to infidelity, to domestic violence. Y es, Dr. Goldfine thought he had seen it all. And then, he met the V an De Kamp's.

BREE: Hi, I'm Bree, and this is my husband Rex. And I brought you some homemade pot pourri.

REX: The answer is yes, you're about to make a fortune off us.

LYNETTE: Boys, guys, I'm begging you, sit in your seats. I'm not gonna tell you again! Buckle up! I mean it, so help me, I'll-Oh .. crap!

OFFICER: License and registration please. Ma'am, you know why I pulled you over?

LYNETTE: I have a theory.

OFFICER: Y our kids are jumping up and down; they should be sitting, wearing a seatbelt.

LYNETTE: I yelled at them. They never listen to me, it's very frustrating.

OFFICER: Well, you're gonna hafta find a way to control them. After all, that's your job.

NARRATOR: Though he's been a policeman for 6 years, Officer Hayes had never found himself in a truly dangerous situation. Then again, he had never before told a woman how to raise her children.

LYNETTE: Y ou saying I'm a bad mother?

OFFICER: Ma'am, you need to get back in your car please.

LYNETTE: I have no help, my husband's always away on business.

OFFICER: I'm gonna hafta ask you to step back now. L YNETTE: My babysitter joined the witness relocation program. I haven't slept through the night in 6 years.

OFFICER: Ma'am..?

LYNETTE: And for you to stand there, and judge me.

OFFICER: Okay. I'm not gonna give you a ticket. I'm just gonna let you off with a warning.

LYNETTE: I accept your apology. OFFICER: Buckle up!

JOHN: (smiles) Mrs. Solis!

GABRIELLE: Hello Jonathan.

JOHN: Well, this is my room. Sorry about the mess.

GABRIELLE: Oh, well, don't... worry about it.

JOHN: Y ou just missed my mom. On Friday she coaches my little sister's soccer team.

GABRIELLE: Oh yes, I heard that. Uh, John, we need to talk about what happened the other day.

JOHN: Mr. Solis isn't starting to catch on, is he?

GABRIELLE: No, no, he doesn't have a clue, God love him. It's just, I was thinking, that when you come over to garden, you might actually have to garden.

JOHN: Great, you're breaking up with me. In my own bedroom.

GABRIELLE: No, no, no, I'm not dumping you. Lately, you're been the only thing keeping me going. It's just, we can't do it at my house anymore.

JOHN: Oh, so then, where do you wanna do it?

GABRIELLE: Well, uh, what time does your mom get back from soccer practice?

JOHN:) Mrs. Solis.

GABRIELLE: Y ou better hurry, we don't have a lot of time.

BREE: And so, there's just the four of us. My oldest son Andrew is 16, Danielle is 15, and?

DR GOLDFINE: (hastily) I don't need to see pictures. Bree, you're spent most of the hour engaging in small talk.

BREE: Oh, have I?

DR GOLDFINE: Y es. Rex has been very vocal about his issues. Don't you want to discuss your feelings about your marriage?

BREE: Um, Doc,um?

REX: This is the thing you need to know about Bree. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings. To be honest, it's hard to know if she has any. Does she feel anger, rage, ecstasy? Who knows? She's always pleasant. And I can't tell you how annoying that is. Whatever she feels is so far below the surface that.. that no one can see?she uses all those domestic things.

DR GOLDFINE: Bree? Bree.

BREE: What? I-I'm sorry.

DR GOLDFINE: Would you like to respond to what Rex just said?

BREE: Oh, I..

DR GOLDFINE: Is there some truth there? Do you use housework as a way to disengage emotionally? BREE: Of course not.

JOHN: This is great. I got tons of homework tonight. It's so much easier to concentrate after sex. GABRIELLE: I'm glad I could help. Education is very important.

JOHN: Oh, I got something for you. I was gonna give it to you the next time I mowed your lawn, but since you're here? GABRIELLE: Oh, it's a rose.

JOHN: It's not just any rose. Look at all the petals. There's no flaws, it' perfect.


JOHN: Just like you.

NARRATOR: The truth hit her like a thunderbolt.

JOHN: I spent days looking for this one. Finally found it.

NARRATOR: For John, this was no longer a meaningless little affair. Gabrielle could now clearly see he was falling in love with her.

GABRIELLE: It's just beautiful. I, uh, I gotta go. JOHN: Bye.

SUSAN: Hey you. What're we having? MIKE: I talked to Julie, thanks, and she suggested rib-eye steaks. She said it's your favourite.

SUSAN: Oh yeah, I love my steak.

EDIE: Hi Mike. Susan. SUSAN: Edie.

MIKE: Hey, I'm sorry about your house. How you holding up?

EDIE: Alright, I guess. Oh, is somebody having a party?

MIKE: No, Susan's just throwingme one of her traditional welcome-to-the-neighbourhood dinners. Only I'm cooking. And having it at my house.

EDIE: (laughs) Traditional. Hm. I didn't get one.

SUSAN: Oh, it's sort of a new tradition.

MIKE: Well, it won't be anything fancy, just a little home cooking.

EDIE: Mmm, that sounds so good.

NARRATOR: Susan suddenly had an awful feeling in the pit of her stomach.

EDIE: I've been having nothing but fast food lately.

NARRATOR: As if she was watching an accident in slow motion. She knew it would happen, but was powerless to stop it.

SUSAN: Edie, would you like to join us for dinner?

EDIE: Oh that's so sweet. No, I don't wanna intrude. Three's a crowd.

MIKE: No, it's not like that. I mean, Susan's bringing Julie.

SUSAN: It's not like that. The more the merrier.

EDIE: Well, this'll be fun.

MIKE: Alright. Tomorrow night. We'll eat at six.

EDIE: Great. Oh, and Susan. SUSAN: Y eah.

EDIE: This'll make up for the dinner that you never threw me.

SUSAN: Right. EDIE: Ha!

MIKE: I haven't, ah, told her we were having steak. She's not like a vegetarian, is she?

SUSAN: Oh, no, no. No, Edie's definitely a carnivore.

LYNETTE: Here's, uh, here's what I pulled for Edie. I should warn you, most of the clothes in there aren't that stylish.

MRS HUBER: Oh don't worry about it, Edie's a beggar now, which means she can't be a chooser 。Of course we don't have to add salt to the wound.

LYNETTE: Listen, I was just getting dinner ready.

MRS HUBER: Say no more. I'll get out of your hair. LYNETTE: No, no.

MRS HUBER: By the way, was that you I saw getting pulled over by a policeman?

LYNETTE: Y eah, the boys were acting up in the car, I couldn't get them to sit down.

MRS HUBER: Y oung boys can be so wilful.

LYNETTE: I try everything. I scream, I threaten, I reason, I beg, nothing works. I don't know if it's because they're too young and they don't understand, or if they're just getting some perverse joy out of testing me!

MRS HUBER: My mother used to have the worst time with me in the car, so one time when I was acting up, she stopped and left me on the side of the road, and she drove off.

LYNETTE: Y ou're kidding.

MRS HUBER: Oh, she came back immediately. But I never misbehaved in the car again. Y ou should try t hat. LYNETTE: Mrs. Huber, I could never leave my kids by the side of the road.

MRS HUBER: When it comes to discipline, sometimes you must be creative. My mother knew that. Smart lady. Of course she's in a home now, and her mind has just turned to mush.

LYNETTE: Well, like I said, I should go back and get dinner ready.

MRS HUBER: Oh right. Well. Goodbye.

LYNETTE: Goodbye.

MRS HUBER: Susan! Have you been able to find old clothes for Edie? She has nothing to wear.

SUSAN: I thought that was a look she was going for.

MRS HUBER: Oh Susan. Edie may be trash, but she's still a human being.

SUSAN: Zach? Is your dad home? I need to talk to him.

SUSAN: Hey Paul. PAUL: Hey.

SUSAN: I hope I'm not interrupting.

PAUL: Actually I was getting ready to go somewhere.

SUSAN: I just wanted to come by and say hello, you know, see how you guys are doing.

PAUL: We're trying to move on. It's been pretty tough.

SUSAN: I can only imagine. Not knowing why Mary Alice?

PAUL: Why what? SUSAN: Why she did it. Oh! Let me help you.

PAUL: I got it, I've got it. SUSAN: Sorry if I upset you.

PAUL: Can I be frank? SUSAN: Of course.

PAUL: I don't care what her reasons were. Maybe she was depressed, maybe she was bored. She abandoned her

husband and her son. And I'll never forgive her.

NARRATOR: As I watched Susan, I couldn't help feeling sorry for her. She wanted so much to know why I did it.

NARRATOR: Why I killed myself. It's not enough to want the truth. Y ou must know where to look for it. And the truth is elusive, because it knows where to hide.

MRS HUBER: Hello Julie, I talked to your mom about donating some clothes for Edie.

JULIE: She's at Mrs. V an De Kamp's, but I'll see if she left some stuff upstairs.

MRS HUBER: Oh Julie. I-I was just, um, just admiring your new measuring cup.

JULIE: Yeah, we lost ours.

MRS. HUBER: Really.

JULIE: So I couldn't find the clothes, I'm sorry.

MRS HUBER: That's okay.

JULIE: If you want me to keep looking.

MRS HUBER: No, you've done more than enough. Truly.

DR GOLDFINE: Bree, Rex just called, he won't be able to meet you here today. Apparently, there was an emergency at the hospital.

BREE: Oh. Well, I wish he had called me. DR GOLDFINE: He suggested maybe you'd like to meet with me by yourself? Y ou've been very quiet in our joint sessions.

BREE: What? Oh, oh, oh no, thank you. I have some things that I, I need to do today.

DR GOLDFINE: Are you sure?

BREE: Uh, yeah, I'm sure.


BREE: Dr. Goldfine. There is something you can do for me.

DR GOLDFINE: What's that?

BREE: Take off your coat.

GABRIELLE: So now you're taking Julie on your dinner date with Mike?

SUSAN: Y eah, well, if Edie's gonna be there, I'm gonna need emotional support.

GABRIELLE: I can't believe she wormed her way in. How did you let her do that?

SUSAN: I don't know, I was gonna take her out at the knees, but it all happened so fast.

GABRIELLE: Well, you know what you need to do. Y ou need to get there early, spend a little time with Mike before little barracuda gets there.

SUSAN: That's a good idea. Edie will get there at 5:45, which means her breasts will arrive at 5:30, so I should shoot for 5.

GABRIELLE: Attagirl. I'm just gonna take these upstairs.

SUSAN: I'm gonna keep my one little bag and go home.


SUSAN: That is a beautiful rose. Where did you get it?

GABRIELLE: Oh, John gave it to me.

SUSAN: John? Y our gardener, he gave you a rose?

GABRIELLE: Y es, I am having some new bushes planted outside, and he gave me that as a colour palette. SUSAN: Oh. Okay. Sure is beautiful, isn't it?

GABRIELLE: Y es, it is.

DR GOLDFINE: I'm sure Freud would not approve of this.

BREE: Oh, who cares what he thinks? I took psychology in college, we learned all about Freud. A miserable human being.

DR GOLDFINE: What makes you say that?

BREE: Well, think about it. He grew up in the late 1800's, there were no appliances back then. His mother had to do everything by hand, just backbreaking work from sunup to sundown. Not to mention the countless other sacrifices she probably had to make to take care of her family. And what does he do? He grows up and becomes famous, peddling a theory that the problems of most adults can be traced back to something awful their mother

has done. She must have felt so betrayed. He saw how hard she worked; he saw what she did for him. Did he even ever think to say, thank you? I doubt it.

DR GOLDFINE: Just so you know, many of Freud's theories have been discredited.

BREE: Good.

LYNETTE: Boys, I am not gonna tell you again, sit. I mean it, I am serious. Y ou guys are gonna be in so much trouble if you don't sit back in those seats.

NARRATOR: For the first time, Lynette could see this was not the innocent play of children. She was being challenged. So she decided it was time to get creative.

LYNETTE: Out. Can't behave, you heard me, can't ride. Y ou, out. Move it.

SCA VO KIDS: Where she's going? I don't know. Where's she going?

LYNETTE:. Mommy's a genius! Five, six, alright. Uh. Oh! Uhh. I'll be right back, Mommy'll be right back. LYNETTE: Boys? Boys? Boys?? If you're hiding, you've gotta stop now cause Mommy doesn't think

it's funny!

LYNETTE: Oh! Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm looking for my boys. Three boys with red hair, have you


LADY: Y eah, I also saw you drive away and leave'em.

LYNETTE: I know, I was just trying to scare them into behaving. Did you see where they went?

LADY: Y eah, yeah, they're in my kitchen.

LADY: Listen, uh, it seems to me that you have some anger management issues.

LYNETTE: I have 4 kids under the age of six, I absolutely have anger management issues. LADY: Y eah, well I think you need to talk to somebody, because abandoning your children?

LYNETTE: I-I-I didn't abandon them, I came back!

LADY: Y eah, I'm just saying, it's not normal.

LYNETTE: Well, my kids aren't normal, and now I don't have time for this, lady, so. Boys! Get out here. LADY: No, I don't think they should go anywhere until you calm down.

LYNETTE: Oh. Get in the car.

PARKER: She's got cookies!

LYNETTE: Well, bring 'em, we're leaving. LADY: Oh, no, no, no. Stay put.

LYNETTE: Oh, I don't think so. Oh!

LADY: Listen, lady, you and I are gonna talk.

PARKER: Leave my mommy alone!

LYNETTE: Let go of me! What's the matter with you? Run, boys, run!

PORTER: Come on! LYNETTE: Oh, crap.

LADY: Y ou get back here!

LYNETTE: Boys, you're gonna need to put on your-

LADY: Get back, or I'm gonna call Social Services!

GABRIELLE: Oh, my god. Carlos, what have you done?

CARLOS: I saw it when I drove by the dealership. I thought, Gabrielle would look so beautiful in this. GABRIELLE: Carlos!

CARLOS: Cost me an arm and a leg. It's got GPS navigation, 200-watt stereo system, rear parking sensors. GABRIELLE: God, it's beautiful!

CARLOS: So, did I take your breath away? GABRIELLE: Absolutely!

CARLOS: Is it the best gift you've ever gotten?

NARRATOR: Gabrielle could see what this gesture had cost Carlos, so she responded the only way she knew how.

NARRATOR: She had a feeling the truth would've been lost on her husband anyway. After all, it's the rare man who understands the value of a single, perfect rose.

MIKE: Susan.

SUSAN: I hope you don't mind, I thought I'd come by early and help you set up.

MIKE: Oh, um.

EDIE: Hey, Susan. Don't worry, Mike and I have got everything under control.


MIKE: Bongo! I don't know why he barks at you.

EDIE: Oh, I wouldn't take it personally. Dogs are very sensitive. What's up, Bongo, huh? Y ou never know what freaks them out, huh?

NARRATOR: In the distance, Susan thought she heard a bell ring.

EDIE: Oh, is it a strange noise, huh? What is it? A weird smell? What is it?

NARRATOR: Round one had started.

REX: Look, all I'm saying is that this whole it-takes-two-to-mess-up-a-marriage theory is bull. The problems that we have are because of her.

BREE: That is not true, Rex.

REX: Alright, fine. What have I been doing for the past 20 years that's been so awful? Y ou're not saying anything because I've been a great husband and it kills you to admit that.

DR GOLDFINE: Rex, I'm curious. Do you ever acknowledge the benefits of living with Bree?

REX: Huh?

DR GOLDFINE: By your own admission, your home is always clean, your clothes are always freshly pressed, sounds like a wonderful cook. Despite her flaws, do you ever remember to say thank you?

REX: Thank you?


MIKE: Bongo, Bongo, get down, down.

EDIE: Go on, uh-uh, go on.

MIKE: Down. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 、、So, um, who's the guy who lives across from Mrs. Huber again? SUSAN: Mm, that's Mr. Mullin. And just so you know, if he invites you in, you have to meet all of his pets. MIKE: That's okay, I love animals.

SUSAN: He's a taxidermist. MIKE: Oh. Okay, thanks for the warning.

EDIE: Isn't Mr. Mullin's brother your divorce attorney?

SUSAN: Uh, yes, yes he was.

EDIE: Can I say something? In my heart, I still believe you and Carl are gonna get back together.

MIKE: Really?

EDIE: Oh, yeah. I've never seen two people more in love. I mean, she's never gonna find that kind of chemistry with another man. Never!

NARRATOR: It was everything Susan could do to keep a smile on her face. Round two was under way, and she was already taking a beating.

JULIE: Y ou know what, Mrs. Britt, do you know who I always liked?

NARRATOR: What Edie hadn't counted on was Susan had someone else in her corner.

JULIE: Mr. Rothwell. Y our 4th husband.

EDIE: Oh, he was my 2nd husband. I'vee only been married twice.

JULIE: Twice? Y ou weren't married to the guy with all the tattoos that they took away in handcuffs? SUSAN: No, Julie, she wasn't married to Xavier. That was just one of her special friends. I think we should change the subject, you know, unless you wanna keep talking about it.


MIKE: Bongo, get down.

EDIE: Oh wait, wait. Let me show you something. Bongo, Bongo, come! While you were in there tossing the salad, I taught him something. (holds a bit of food up in the air as Bongo jumps up on two feet, reaching for the food as he walks around on two feet) Up! Oh, what a good boy!

NARRATOR: Susan was furious at Edie for using a dog to ingratiate herself with its owner. She was also furious with Mike for not seeing through this blatant manoeuvre.

SUSAN: So, you know what? I am gonna go get dessert.

NARRATOR: But mostly, she was furious at herself for not having thought of it first.

EDIE: Y ou are such a smart boy!