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中英文笑话

中英文笑话
中英文笑话

英语笑话

(一)

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧?

英语笑话

(二)

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery. [?semitri]

他真是一个大人物

-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。

-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?

-- 墓地守墓人。

(三)

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师:这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?

学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。

老师:请说说看。

学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

(四)

A man see a woman is beautiful so he said:'Oh,you are beautiful!'But the woman like Chinese said:"Whe

re?Where?'The man said :"eyes and mouth and the nose...'

一老外见到一中国女人十分美丽,曰:“你真漂亮!”中国女人想按照中国的方式回答,曰:“哪里哪里!”

老外便说:“眼睛、嘴巴、鼻子........”

(五)

你是怎样来的?

一个冬天的早晨,一名雇员解释他为什么迟到了四十五分钟才起来上班。“外面太滑了,我每

向前迈一步,就要向后退两步。” 老板狐疑地看着他。“噢,是吗?那你是怎样到这里来的?”

“后来我决定放弃,”他说,“然后我就往家里走。”

How Did You Ever Get Here

One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."

The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"

"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."

(六)

采购过早

那天是圣诞节,法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉?”他问。

“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。

“这不算犯法,”法官回答,“你购物多早?”

在商店开门之前,“犯人应道。

Early Shopper

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent [bi?nev?l?nt] mood as he questioned the prisoner.

"What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

(七)

好消息和坏消息

“有好消息,也有坏消息,”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。

“我总能利用一些好消息吧,”当事人吧了口气说,“是什么好消息?”

“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”

“那么坏消息呢?”

“离婚以后,她将与你父亲结婚。”

Good News And Bad News

"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.

"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"

"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."

"And the bad news?"

"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."

(八)

百万富翁

主管人:我妻子使我成为百万富翁。

助手:以前你是什么?

主管人:千万富翁。

CEO: "My wife made a millionaire out of me."

Assistant: "What were you before?"

CEO: "a multimillionaire."

(九)

过一秒钟

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

(十)

Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back. Anything else? The nurse asked. Yes, Jack thinks for a while and said, I'm a bachelor.

杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗.一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填.仞杰克填好递上表格还有什么漏填的? 护士问. 有! 杰克想了想说, 我是个单身汉.

(十一)

One day a doctor went to a store and bought a pair of shoes. Before he left the shoes counter, he asked the salesgirl: " How long will this pair of shoes last?"

"It depends. If you don t use it, the shoes will never wear out."

Several days later the salesgirl fell ill and went to a hospital. And the happened to be the customer she served. After the girl got the prescription from the doctor, she asked: "How soon will I get better with the medicine?”

It depends. " The doctor answered, "If you don t use it, you will never get better.

一天,一位医生到鞋店买了双鞋。他在离开柜台之前,问售货员:“这双鞋能穿多长时间?“

“看情况而定。如果您不穿它,那它们永远也不会坏。”

几天后,这位售货员病了,去医院看病。这位医生碰巧是那位顾客。

当售货员拿了处方后,问道:“吃了这药,我的病多长时间才能好呀?”

“看情况而定。”医生说,“如果你不吃药,你的病永远也好不了。”

(十二)

Wife talking to her husband(who reads newspaper all day): I wish I were anewspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.

Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily.

妻子走到看报纸的丈夫面前说:我真希望我是一份报纸,这样我每天都可以被你捧在手心里了。

丈夫回答到:我也希望如此,这样我就可以主宰和改变你一天了!

(十三)

We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him?

Well, I don't know. Does he bite?

That's what I want to find out.

我们又得到了一只新狗,你要过来和他玩玩吗?

哦,我不知道。他咬人吗?

这正是我想要知道的。

(十四)

Bob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor, who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.

Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his time getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up this morning.

That's fine, roared the boss, but where were you Monday and Tuesday?

鲍勃晚上失眠。他去看医生,医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。

星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药,睡得很好,在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。他到了办公室,遛达进去,对老板说:我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。

好啊!老板吼道,那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了?

(十五)

Dan is teaching his son how to box. As he does so, he left his friend, This is a tough world, so I’m teaching my boy to fight.

Friend: But suppose he comes up against someone much bigger than he is, who’s also been taught how to box.

Dan: I’m teaching hi m how to run, too.

丹在教他的儿子怎样拳击。他告诉他的朋友:这是一个粗暴的世界,所以我要教我的儿子怎么去拼搏。

朋友:如果他碰上的对手是一个比他高大,健壮而且也会拳击的人怎么办?

丹:我也会教他怎么样赛跑。

(十六)

A: Which do you find more important, money or friends?

B: Friends, of course.

A: Why?

B: I can always borrow money from friends.

甲:你认为钱和朋友哪一个更重要?

乙:当然是朋友。

甲:为什么?

乙:我总可以从朋友那儿借到钱。

(十七)

Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch? Policeman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?

Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.

警察:有人抢你的手表时,你为什么不呼救呢?

男子:要是我张口的话,他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了

(十八)

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents'. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the younger one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the younger one replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

两个小男孩在他们的祖父母家过夜。睡觉时间到了,这两个小男孩跪在床上祈祷。弟弟用非常大的声音祈祷着,“我祈求有一辆新自行车……我祈求有一个新游戏机……我祈求有一个新录像机……”

他的哥哥用胳膊肘轻轻地碰了他一下,说:“你为什么这么大声地喊叫呢?上帝又不是聋子。”弟弟听了回答道:“上帝是不聋,可奶奶聋呀!”

(十九)

A met

B in the street.

A: You is losing your hair so quickly!

B: Yes, because I'm so anxious.

A: Anxious for what?

B: Losing my hair.

A在街上碰到B

A:你怎么掉了这么多头发!

B:因为我担忧啊

A:担忧什么呢

B:掉头发……

(二十)

Two attorneys went into a restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they brought out sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches here!

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

两个律师走进一个餐厅,要了两杯饮料,从包中拿出三明治开始吃起来。餐厅老板走过来警告说,“你们不能在这里吃自己的三明治。”

两个律师对看了一眼,耸耸肩,然后交换了手中的三明治。

〖经典幽默小笑话〗

1、李科长家有三个丫头,一个五岁,一个三岁,还有一个只有一岁多。李科长每天一回家,三个丫头就争先恐后拥上来,把他缠得没办法。 最后,他总是讨好地说:“乖,乖,不要吵啦。老大最乖,老二也乖,只是老三不乖。” 太太听了颇不服气:“你怎么这样说话?三个孩子的表现不都一样吗?” 李科长笑着说:“老三人小,听不懂啊。” 2、一天,一团士兵在长官的带领下执行一项任务,他们来到了一条大河边。这个团里有好多新兵,团长看着眼前的大河,又望了望士兵们,他实在想不出一个合适的词语来命令新兵们冲过河去,正在苦恼之际,突然灵机一动,他命令:“全体解散,两分钟后在河对岸集合!” 3、泥瓦匠出身的部长接受记者采访。记者问:“你觉得当部长和当泥瓦匠有什么相似之处?”部长答道:“第一,要有和稀泥的本领:第二,站在高处头不昏!” 4、去年,南坡村的老刘办了个养鸡场,没想到村干部三天两头过来,不是抓鸡就是拿鸡蛋,结果年底这个养鸡场赔了一大笔钱。 老刘心想:鸡这东西,抓三只两只没法要钱;鸡蛋也同样,拿十斤八斤也没法要钱。今年干脆把养鸡场改成养牛场,村干部总不能无缘无故牵我一头牛吧? 然而,养牛场开业没几天,村干部又来了,他拍着老刘的肩膀说:“有件事真还得求老弟帮帮忙,咱们镇长肾虚,医生建议说最好能吃几条牛鞭……。” 5、孩子:“妈妈,我们是上帝养活的吗?” 妈妈:“当然喽,亲爱的。” 孩子:“礼物也是上帝发的?” 妈妈:“那还用说。” 孩子:“那要爸爸干什么,只在家吃饭吗?” 6、一天,爸爸教儿子“手”字,儿子说:“这是什么字?” 爸爸提示道:“你平常用什么开门?” 儿子:“'脚’字!” 7、一小伙子去女友家看望女友。女友的父母有意避开,让他俩单独在客厅里谈情说爱。当他俩亲吻的时候,小伙子发现女友的小妹妹正站在门口好奇地看着。 “小妹妹,你上床睡觉吧,我给你十块钱。”小伙子说。 小妹妹没有要钱,一声不吭地跑开了。过了一会,她又走回来,说:“我有十块钱,让我再看一会吧。” 8、三位小学生在比谁爸爸最胖。 一个学生说;“我的爸爸最胖,昨天他用磅秤称体重,因肚子太大,看不见表上的数字,叫我帮着看,嘿!足足100公斤!” 另一个学生说:“那算啥,我爸爸才叫胖呢,一天半夜里,我爸爸从床上滚到地板上,楼下的人以为地震了,吓得全家赶紧跑到马路上。” 第三个学生说:“你们的爸爸虽胖,但与我爸比,差得太远!我爸是局长,别人都这样说我爸,'屁股坐着一幢楼,一顿要吃一头牛’。”

英语幽默小故事

英语幽默小故事

1、New Discovery A hillbilly was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door slid open and a beautiful young model stepped off the elevator. Blinking in amazement, the hillbilly drawled, "I shouldhave brought my wife!" 新发现 一个乡下人第一次到大城市游逛。他走进一座大楼,看见一个岁数很大的矮胖女人迈进一个小房间。房间的门随后关上,有几个灯在闪亮。一会儿,门开了,电梯里走出一位年青漂亮的女模特。 乡下人惊奇地眨着眼睛,慢吞吞地说:“我应该把我的老婆带来!” hillbilly n. 乡下人,乡巴佬. pudgy adj.矮胖的,矮而粗的 drawl vt, vi慢吞吞地说;拉长语调地说 2、Always Thirsty "I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me." "That's terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?" "No, but I am always thirsty!" 总感到口渴 一个男人对他的朋友说:“我动了一次手术,手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。” “真是太糟糕了!”朋友说道:“你觉得疼吗?”

超级幽默诙谐的英语双语笑话合集

超级幽默诙谐的英语双语笑话合集 一、 an or his bride, a practical household gift, a fire extinguisher. apparently, the couple mass-produced their thank-you notes because uch for the nice y elderly mother, i told him that mother y mother shook her head in disgust. can you imagine, she said. seventy dollars and i had to kiss him too! 医生走后,我母亲厌恶地摇摇头。你能想象吗,她说,付了他70元,我还得亲他! 三、 after being a thought it e perfumehe asked the cosmetics clerk. she sho a $50.00 bottle. 那些香水怎么卖啊他问卖化妆品的售货员。售货员给他展示了一支价值50美元的香水。 thats a bit much,said tim, so she returned aller bottle for $30.00. 看起来好像有点贵哦!提姆说道。于是售货员又拿出一款30美元的香水。 thats still quite a bit,tim complained. 还是贵了点。提姆抱怨道。 groean,said tim, is id like to see something really cheap. 我的意思是,提姆说,我想看看一些真正便宜的东西。 the clerk handed him a mirror. 售货员听了后,递给了提姆一面镜子。

100个经典幽默笑话段子

100个经典幽默笑话段子 1、追一女孩,结果遭遇情敌竞争:我请她吃肯德基,情敌请她吃金钱豹;我带她打车出去玩,情敌开宝马接她;我排一夜队给她买一Iphone4,情敌网上给她订购一SII;最后我终于扛不住打算放弃了,没想到情敌已经把她甩了!悲剧啊悲剧!怎么步步都比人差这么大一截!!! 2、过年,从亲戚家吃完饭,和表哥一起走回家。路上,开过一辆摩托车,上面还有两个美女,开得不是很快,由于那两个女的长得不错,我就一直盯着她们看。没想到,车上的美女居然朝我挥挥手,打了个招呼,碰到这种情况哥们我哪有不回应之理,于是我也朝她们挥了挥手。我哥转过头来,很纳闷地对我说:我同学,你挥什么手啊? 3、我跟我妈妈说了新婚姻法。我妈妈说:“骂新婚姻法不好的女人都是没本事的女人,夸新婚姻法好的男人是准备离婚的男人。正儿八经的家庭哪用得着婚姻法。 4、演唱会上,一哥们激动的拿着话筒对台上的明星说:“我是你最忠实的粉丝,我几乎参加了你的每一场演唱会,今天终于等到了机会!您能和我女朋友和张影吗?”明星觉得很感动,

毫不犹豫的答应了。然后这哥们听了高兴的对着台下问:“太好了,那么各位美女,谁愿意当我女朋友?” 5、弟弟高考进考场做一题,需写“恩惠”两字,可“惠”字不会写,左思右想无果。。。忽惊喜!考试时带一瓶饮料进考场,瓶盖内应有“谢谢惠顾”字样,此惠应和恩惠同一字。窃喜,假装喝水逐拧开瓶盖。晕!只见盖内赫然印有“再来一瓶”! 6、地理不及格?正常!你还能不认识回家的路?政治不及格?正常!中国13亿人,轮到你当国家主席吗?物理不及格?正常!你跳楼的时候还要计算空气阻力么?英语不及格?正常!我们都是中国人。语文不及格?正常!你骂人要用修辞手法吗?数学不及格?正常!你上街买菜用的着用函数吗? 7、每一个“哦”背后都有一个“屁”,每一个“嗯”背后都有一个“切”,每一个“呵呵”背后都有一句“MLGB”,每一句“亲”背后都有一句“SB”,每一个“哈哈”背后都有一句“去你的”,每一句“给力”背后都有一句“你妹”,每一个“耶”背后都有一个“呸”,每一个“2”背后都有一个“你好可爱”。

经典幽默英语故事(30个)-(1)

经典幽默英语故事(50个) 要求: 1、每天阅读两篇小故事,写出故事大意,尽量理解故事里的幽默点。 2 3、开学后,请把这14页的阅读素材,装订成册,上交给各班的英语老师。老师会根据你的完成情况,给你的阅读作业打出分数。 姓名:_________ 班级:_________ 学号:_________ 成绩:_________ 第一篇 My First and My Last When George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks. George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go." They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air. When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane." Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?" "Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark. 故事大意: _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________________第二篇 First Flight Mr. Johnson had never been up in an aerophane before and he had read a lot about air accidents, so one day when a friend offered to take him for a ride in his own small phane, Mr. Johnson was

A Bad Impression一个坏印象(双语笑话)

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What has one eye but cannot see? 什么有一只眼睛,却看不见? A needle. 针。 5. Wife: "How would you describe me?" 妻子:你会怎么形容我呢? Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." 丈夫:ABCDEFGHIJK. Wife: "What does that mean?" 妻子:那是什么意思? Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." 丈夫:迷人的、魅力的、可爱的、令人愉悦的、优雅的、时髦的、漂亮的和火辣的。 Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" 妻子:哇,谢谢,但是“IJK”是什么意思呢? Husband: "I'm just kidding!" 丈夫:开个玩笑! 6. The plural Form of "Child" Teacher: What is the plural of man, Tom?

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