网易公开课幸福课笔记
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网易公开课幸福课笔记
2011-02-10 21:51:17 来自: 五月十年(做一个潇洒的人)
看的时候囫囵吞枣，幸亏记了笔记。现在复习，每天两节课。
第一节课笔记
1.幸福课的研究属于积极心理学研究范畴
2.重新可能形成一种学习记忆机制，包括学习、理解、记忆、保留，所以休息时间的重要性不可被忽视
3.这节课不仅是包括信息 还包括transformation
information:we have a container which is our mind
information is about taking data,taking science ,taking information and putting it inside the form
Transformation: is about taking this form and changing it
In other words,it's not just the information that goes in .It's also the shape,the interpretation,the preception and the focus,and that is determined by the shape of the form.
Knowledge is about information
Wisdom is about trannformation.
4.soul grows more by subtraction than by addition
做减法比做加法让灵魂成长的更快
本项课程的关键是让人们突破那些枷锁
In pursuit of knowledge,everyday something is acquired;in pursuit of wisdom,every day something is dropped.
https://www.wendangku.net/doc/7a3856429.html,rmation is always better than ignorance,what is wrong is the belief behind the information,the belief that information will change the world
6.saying the biggest mistake is not asking the right questions.
Asking questions is very important
7.what is most personal is most general.
8.why positive psychology?
(1)the importance of focusing on what works.
(2)happiness is not the negation of unhappiness.
(3)prevention through cultivating capacity.
第二节课：why we should study this course? Reason one questions create reality
1 以下是那些孩子共同有的特征。
RESILIENCE: Optimistic - believe things would work out well ;Have faith and a sense of meaning of life - doing something you really believe in - to be idealistic is to be realistic ;Pro-social beheavior - help others as well as self-help; Focus on strength - what am I really good at? ;Set goals, future-oriented - what do I want to be in 5 years? ;Have a role model - I want to be like him, her, fictional figure, anything. - this role model gives strength and sense of direction ;Have social support - tough enough to reach out for help
2.All those familiar with the history of science are aware that important advances come with the formulation of the new question.The question is the breakthrough.the answer comes with difficulty
3.the consequences of this ability to focus that is not always good it's not always helpful
But if that is the only qustion that we ask that is the only thing that we will see.The only things that we will see are our deficiencies the things that are not working,the things that need to be proved,the weakness of my
partner ,of the ralationship
Conclusion:A person who only or primarily focuses on weaknesses and does not see,does not aprreciate their strength,their passions,virtues can't be a person like that experience high levels of self-respect,self-confidence,happiness.If we don't also ask the positive question,that part of reality will not exist as far as we are concerned
Reason 1 Qustions create the reality,focus create the reality
4.when we appreciate the good,the good appreciates
5 understanding that you have to take responsiblility for your life is recognizing understanding that no one is coming.
? Tal 说：学习的最好方法是教
11人喜欢 喜欢
2011-02-11 11:31:24 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人)
第三节课
Reason 2 it's about happiness is not just a negation of unhappiness
1.happiness don't spontanesously emerge once the painful experiences go away.
2.Posivieve psychology essentially focuses on the health model,Salutogenesis.What is the source of health physical,psychological,emotional?
3.注重自己的优点多于注重自己的缺点的更加成功
Reason 3: postive psychology alse help us deal with the negative.what health model does is cultivate capacity
1.we are ill because we do not cultivate what we are about enough.We do not become self-actualized,we don't do what we are supposed to do.we diminish ourselves and that's when we become ill
The five basis premise of this course:
1.this course is about bridge building,bridge building among disciplines,eclectic,and bridge building in terms of academia and Main street
2.we start to look and find how it is possible about change,techniques methods and tools
3.the premise related to the first internal factors primarily determine happiness this is what I'm going to argue for is opposed to happiness which is primarily function of external circumstances
4.Human nature needs to be obeyed with all its flaws,with all its shortcomings as opposed to attemping to perfect it on the psychological level
5.happiness is also a moral pursue
The erroer of average对双胞胎婴儿的研究发现，大部分的婴儿都很相似，所以说平均很相似，但是也有少数的异常值.but there are also outliers,and often the outliers the differences that are the most interesting.the question is no longer the change is possible but how the change is possible
One significant idea:Let's study what works
Second significant idea:The " growing-tip" statistics let's study what works best 平均数研究的悲哀
If we want to know how fast a human being can run, then it is no use to average out the speed of a ‘good sample’ of the population; it is far better to collect Olympic gold medal winners and see how well they can do. If we want to know the possibilities for spiritual growth, value growth, or moral development in human beings, then I maintain that we can learn most by studying our most moral, ethical, or saintly people. On the whole I
think it is fair to say that human history is a record of the ways in which human nature has been sold short. The highest possibilities of human nature have practically always been underrated.... Certainly it seems more and more clear that what we call ‘normal’ in psychology is really a psychopathology of the average, so undramatic and so widely spread that we don’t even notice it ordinarily.”
第四节课
1.human networks as exponential
the power of one
All history is a record of the power of minorities, and of minorities of one.
2.extreme circumstances make very little difference to our wellbeing.
3.about happiness level
income matters little when basic need is enough
no change across generations
Place of residence irrelevant
4.The problem is not lower these high expectations that doesn't matter the problem is right versus wrong expectations.The right expectation is to believe in change from within.In fact,our readiness and potential to experience
Premise 3: internal factors vs external factors
happiness is mostly depended on our state of mind.It's about changing our perception--state of mind.It's about changing our interpretation of the world of what's happening to us,of our achievements,of our failures.It's about what we choose to perceive what we choose to focus on.It's about transformation as opposed to the external information or the external success.
Premise 4:the constrained nature
First understand it,make the best use of it
Permission to be human
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can change, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
1.when we suppress a natural phenomenon,that phenomenon only strenghthens.
2.painful emotions are as much as part of human nature as the law of gravity is part of physical nature
Permission to be human relates primarily to our affect,to our emotions.that does not mean we need to accept our behavior and our cognition.
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-12 13:41:48 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 第五节课
笔记
premise 5
1.what happens when we experience negative emotions is that our consciousness our thinking narrows and constricts.we focus just one thing
2.equating to selfishness and imorality is the N0.1
Cause of unhappiness subconsciously mostly,but not only because people feel guilty about pursuing their own happiness.people feel guilty at times feeling good about themselves.
Happiness is a positive sum game.
3.be the change you want to see in the world.
People mostly do what you do,rather than what you say.
Belief as self-fulfilling prophecies.
Pygmalion(皮格马翁)效应
We create reality.
"Asch conformity experiment" "the obedience to authority"
The question is how do we create positive situation.
本周任务：多做5件好事
第六章
笔记
How to create positive situation
1.have pictures of people you love or places you lov
e
2.pleasant objects(memorabilia.flowers,etc)
3.quotes
4.books,films,music\
5.positive research
屏幕剪辑的捕获时间: 2011-2-12 12:45
1.two things impact by brief:motivation and the notion of consistency and congruence.
We all have schema in our heart.
When the inside world and the outside word don't consist .we often do everytihing that we can to get the two on par again.there are several ways we can create the consistency again.
(1) update schema
(2)ignore or discard external imformation
(3)actively seek confirmation
(4) create new reality
Interpretation:objective interpretation;subjective interpretaion.
The most successful people in history is also very often the people who had failed the most times.
I failed my way to success--Thomas Edison
Passimist are realistic in terms of their short term goals as well as their long term goals
Optimists are unrealistic when it comes to their short term goals,but are realistic when it comes to their long term goals.
How to distinguish realistic optimism and unrealistic optimism
斯托克代尔悖论(The Stockdale Paradox)
斯托克代尔悖论的要点：对前途充满信心，但又直面残酷的现实。
坚持你一定会成功的信念，同时，要面对现实中最残忍的事实，不论有多大的困难，不论它们是什么。
The secret of success
Optimism passion and hard work
Base level of happiness.
To raise self-esteem and that is to cope as opposed to avoid.
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-12 14:40:45 查无此人 好棒 啊
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-12 14:43:27 快乐活-Jade (别再浪费，健康面对世界吧！) Mark!!!
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-13 23:03:06 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 第七节课
1.optimism as an interpretation style,not as a pollyannaish feel-good kind of approach.
There are three techniques to improve optimsim.
(1)take action,just do it.to put ourselves on the line.
(2)the power of imagination.imagine success.
Visualize the journey as well as the destination
(3)cognitive therapy
? thoughts drive emotion
? restoring rationality/realism
? Highly effective
? An acquired skill
A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.”
2.what cognitive therapy says is that if we want to change emotions,whether it's of depression,whether it's of anxiety,where we need to intervene is here,is that the level of evaluation and the level of thought.
3.where do I distort the reality
3M essentially the 3 traps of irrational thoughts.
(1)The first one is magnifying.
a.permanent and pervasive(over-generalizing)
b.all-or-nothing thinking
(2)minimizing.
a.tunnel vision
b.dismissal of positive or negative
(3)making up or fabrcating the 3rd M
a.personalization or blame
b.emotional reasoning
4.the key is to get real.how do we get real through the questions tha
t we ask?
(1)is my conclusion tied to reality?
(2)is it rational?and I ignoring something important?
(3)what important evidence do I stil need to take into consideration
(4)what am I magnifying?
(5)what am I minimizing?
(6)am I ignoring anything that is going well?
(7)am I ignoring anything that is not going well?
(8)what is the big picture?
Focus
1.fault-finder and benefit-finder
Fault-finder:a person who always focus on things that don't work
The fault-finder could lead to resignation
The benefit-finder could lead to detachment
第八节课
1.appreciating is important.
When we appreciate the good,the good appreciates.when we don't appreciate something,the good depreciates.
2.Another reason in addition to media why we tend to ignore the good and focus mostly on the bad is that we adapt.we adapt to what is common and what drives us,what's interesting to us is the uncommon.the exception rather than the rule.and because there is so much more good in the world,we adapt to it.why? Because nature create us such that we are changed detecters.we are changed detecters.and whenever there is a change,our mind immediately goes to that change.we adapt and that's a good thing.That's an important thing.Because God help us all if we hadn't.there is another side though to that equation.there is another side.when we adapt,we also take things for granted.
3.the key when we do gratitude exercise that is to maintain freshness.The first thing is introduce the variety.you can write about different aspects of these things.second, Ellen Langer talks about mindfulness.she defines mindfulness as creating novel distinctions.It's similar to creating variaty.looking at the things that I haven't seen before.the third method is visualizing it.
怎样让感恩成为我们的第二天性？每天找到一二件事，有意地专注于这些事上。感激之心能量度我们活得多充实。
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-14 14:25:45 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 第九节课
1.arts plays a important role
the key to doing gratitude and not taking this exercise for granted is by maintaining freshness through if you want to do it once a week,it's better to do it once a week mindfully than doing it every day and taking it for granted.
2.sitting down and thinking.what am I grateful for?what did she or he do for me that has contributed so much to my life,to who I am today?
Don't take that for granted.Don't take for granted that they know how grateful you are.
3.analyzing vs replaying
the research shows that when we write and talk about negative experiences,it makes us feel better and healthier,whereas when we just think about it ,ruminate it,whereas the exact opposite is the case with positive emotions.
When we analyze a positive experience,really analyze it,it actually doesn't help.however when we just ruminate about the positive experience,just think about it,then it contributes to our well-being.
4.the g
ratitude exercise is about replaying the experience.It's exactly that.In other words,it's thinking about our happiest experiences of the day which leads ultimately to positive outcome.
5.how helpful it is to share with friends,with family,with a therapist ,with a journal,in writing.you know the most effective internentions both for positive as well as negative experiences.one we analyze;the other,we simply replay.
6.where the moral is also the practical,the practical,in most cases,is also the moral
7.gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues,but the parent of all others.
If we are not grateful,then we take things for granted,if we are not grateful for,the good things in our lives,things are taken for granted.and then we are blind to them.then as far as we are concerned ,they do not exist.now what makes virtue virtuous?it's the good.and if there is no good in our world,then takes away the virtue from being virtuous.
Change(51:25)
1.neuroplasiticity:established neural pathway attracts more action and it attracts more action and get thicker.something that's not established,a tiny little stream is more likely to be just wiped away.
The anatomy of change
? Neuroplasticity
? Neural pathways(channels)
? Self-reinforcing
? Habits as fortified pathways
2.it takes time to change.
第十节课
1.do I, do you really want to change? And it's not a trivial question. It is not a rhetorical question because very often on the conscious level we may be saying yes, but on the subconscious level something is stopping usAnd the key if we wanna overcome this fear of failure or the worry/anxiety, or the guilt, or the slack of happiness, or getting a better understanding of these characteristics.And you don't need do. The baby can stay, the bath water can go if we have a more nuance understanding of what it is we want to change.
在这里被列出来的所有的品质都是可以被拆开来的，只是关键在于度的理解
Why do people not let go of fault-finding? Why do they remain pessimistic? Because they connect it with the sense of realism.
Happiness. One of the most significant barrier to people's happiness is that they associate happiness with slacking off, because the dominant paradigm.
2.gradual change: mindfulness meditation
—In order to change a habit, in order to
(1)bring about lasting change, we need to have as much of a solid approach as
much…um…force in the intervention. It's not just enough to focus on the emotions.
It's not just enough to focus on action. It's not enough just to focus on our thinking.
We want to focus on the three—the A, the B, and the C.
(2)50%是遗传，10%是外部环境，40%是意向活动
(3)对于专注力的培养可以引领我们发现身心舒缓，自身宁静和洞察力的最高神的境界，而通向这个境界的路径恰恰在于你自身，这就是专注力的奇妙之处
一天二十分钟或者三十分钟的日常冥想，终身练习
3.t
hings don't happen for the best, but some people are able to make the best of things that happen. Post-traumatic growth, it happens when people begin to focus on the benefit.
4.高峰体验：
高峰体验也许跟创伤带来的影响是同等的，也许它一种喜悦式的休克疗法，能够带来超越体验本身的效果，就好像创伤后应激障碍一样。
（1）如何增加高峰体验
? Permission to be human.Because if we don't accept painful emotions, if we don't give ourselves permission to be human, we're blocking our emotional pathways. And positive emotions and painful emotions often flow through the same emotional pathways. And when we're limiting one, we're very often limiting the other. So if we open up the pathways, give ourselves the permission to be human and give ourselves the permission to cry when we're sad or ecstatic. That very often opens up, makes it more likely that we experience positive emotions as well, paradoxical, but this is the paradox of the permission to be human.
? 专注力
? 制定一个有意义的目标，当我们有所追求，做自己爱做的、有意义、重要的事情，我们更容易获得高峰体验
? 我们当今文化中最严重的问题--时间。当我们匆匆忙忙赶时间，倍感压力和焦虑的时候，我们很难获得高峰体验
（2）有了高峰体验后应该如何增加获得高峰体验后通路的可能性？
? 重演画面
? 可以将经历记录下来，当我们记录这种体验的时候--只是描述，而不是分析，正面的情绪和经历不适合被分析
? 采取行动，如果不采取行动，那么只能获得短暂的高峰体验，马上又会回到原来的基线。态度影响行为，行为影响态度。课堂改变了你对某件事的态度，如果因此你的态度变得与行为不符，下课之后你的大脑寻求一致性，态度会被拉回原来的状态，除非你改变自己的行为。
认知距离：产生是因为两种宪法之间不一致，两种信念相冲突，或者说行为和信念相冲突，我们不愿看到这种情况，我们想要一一致，认知距离理论是讲这种冲突必须要被消解，我们消解它的办法就是让我们的态度、自我的想法和信念尽量符合我们的行为。
5.有时你的欢乐是微笑的源泉，有时你的微笑也可以成为你欢乐的源泉
身体/脸部回馈假说：信息最终会回到你这里，通过别人对你的观感，通过你的自我认知
6.fate it till we make it vs permission to be human
这里的区别就在于积极接受。我仍然接受我的情绪，接受我的痛苦并感受它，同时选择最适当的最对自己有意的方式去面对。
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-15 18:47:40 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 第十一节课
1.fake it till we make it.
2.those who deeds exceed their wisdom.their wisdom shall endure.but those whose wisdom exceeds their deeds,their wisdom
shall not endure
那些行为超过其智慧的人，他们的智慧将会持久，但那些智慧超越其行为的人他们的智慧无法持久。
Because we first make our habits,and then our habits make us.and if we are before the workshop or class here,and then our attitude changes but our behavior doesn't,our attitude will be pulled down over time by our habits.so it's only,if we also change our habits over time,if we start doing things,if we,for example put ourselves on the line-cope or if we start doing the gratitude exercise or writing letters on the regular basis,or starting physical exercise And that's when we start doing these things right after the change is going to be ephemeral.we are going to go back to where we were before.
lasting,permanent change,attitude change has to be matched by deeds,by behavior.
3.to change the course of your life,choose one of two basic methods.one,you can direct your energy and attention toward trying to fix your mind,find your focus,affirm your power,free your emotions and visualize positive outcomes so that you can finally develop the confidence to display the courage to discover the determination to make the commitment to feel sufficiently motivated to do what it is you need to do.two,or you can just do it.
4.generally,if you want to change,the healthy approach to change would be along the stretch zone.
5.自律不可能再获得.changing your focus from self-discipline to rituals.
We all have limited amount of self-discipline.And the question is what do we used it on.
6.it takes 30 days to create a ritual.
The key is to give yourself no more than one or two rituals each 30 days.
7.the interpretation of a physical symptom determines what we will feel.
8.How we frame it can make all the difference.
我们如何表述决定了所有区别
9.primiarily if we want long-term.successful.thriving,passionate relationship,the first objective,the primary objective is to go into relationship to be known,rather than to be validated.
Any relationship,when we go in with the intention of being known of expression rather than impressing,we can feel so much lighter.and the wonderful thing is that it also makes the relationship so much healthier.
10.the eureka 顿悟
The first stage:preparation
The second stage:incubation after you immerse yourself in an area,you do nothing.you just allow it to marinate.
The third stage:evaluation
第十二章
1.a simple technique-journaling that has remarkable,remarkable consequence.
2.快乐和消极的情绪来自于同一个管道，当我们抑制消极情绪的时候，同样也抑制了快乐情绪。当我们释放消极情绪的时候，也会同样也释放了快乐情绪。
男性比女性从婚姻和恋爱的关系中收获更多。
3重现幸福时光会让你感觉到快乐，但是如果是分析幸福时光则会让你感觉到不快乐。
4.we want to feel that our lives have a sense of coherence that we can make sen
se of them.so if we can create coherence out of experience,we will feel better.
The happy people have sense of coherence about their lives.what that means is that,it has three components that he researched and identified.the first component:sense of comprehensibility-I understand the world.It makes sense to me.I see.I realize.I get it.the world and event,difficulties and hardships,highs and lows make sense to me mostly.second,sense of manageability.I can deal with it.i can handle with it.i have the internal as well as external resources to deal with it as opposed to being helpless.this is a sense of efficacy,of confidence being able to deal with the hardships that arise.the third and the final component that makes up the sense of conherece is a sense of meaningfulness.this was not in vain this difficulty(苦难的出现不是毫无意义的）this disagreement with my partenr was not for nothing.because we understand one another better now.this failure is not in vain.i have learned from it.and I have grown from it.this mistake has reason-
5.if we really want to change.ABC both needs
Goal setting
1.words create worlds.
We know that attainment of goals does not lead to happiness.what does lead to happiness?understanding the proper role of goals.and understanding it's not the attaining of a goal that leads to happiness but the having of a goal that leads to happiness.
2.Goals properly understood their role is to liberate us to enjoy the present.
We need that goal--this outcome,this future orientation so we can enjoy the present more.the goals liberate us to enjoy the here and now.the goal is a mean
Goals are means toward the present end
It's the having the goals,having that commitment that matters.you can be as happy in both paths as long as you are committed.because when we are committed,that's when we can enjoy the journey.doesn't matter as much what it is that we are committed to.
It's to do things that you care about deeply from within.in other words,these are things that you want to do or that you feel,that you perceive that you want to do,rather than things that you have to do.
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-16 19:01:48 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 第十三课
self-concordance
1.too easy is not necessarily good.people will be more happier when they have choice.
Values in action 行为价值学
Values in action focus on journey,
2.if we have a self-concordant end and a self-concordant journey,this is what happiness is.both present benefit(journey) as well as future benefit(outcome)
3.when we engage in those strenghts,our personal strengths,that's when we grow the most ,that's when we develop the most.that's we learn the most.
4.ask yourself:when does it feel the real me?Again,it's when I apply myself and work hard?is it when I go again the grain and act bravely?is it when I feel the most real the most alive?is it when I learn something new? Is it when I go to a museum?is it when I pray?
Is it when I'm around people who are funny?
5.Building capacity
The first step is to identify your character strengths.
Two sub-steps:take the questionnaire,to take the test.and find which five meet criteria. Namely which are the real me?or which ones,when I'm engaging them I feel more energized and motivated?or which ones do I grow and develop most from?and from these 8 to 12 strengths,identify 4 to 6 that most fulfill these strengths criteria. And then choose any one of the character strengths from your final list and apply it. Meaning everyday for the following 7 days-and again, apply these character strengths. After 7 days apply another strength or the same character
strength in a different way. each night describe how you use your strength on that day. And then commit to the next day. What are you going to do tomorrow? Why ?
Use the strength and then applied it to what had been a weakness of mine.
6.instead of focusing on what we can live with, we should be thinking about what we can’t live without.
7.tips to setting goals
(1) writing them down.
(2)set lifelines 制定最早期限
(3) make them specific.
8.they particularly set rituals for both work and for recovery.
Have 60 to 120 minutes, so around 90 minutes of sprint work concentrate focus hard go for it. And then after that, after you sprint, with as little distraction as possible, have 15 minutes or so of recovery. The key when doing it is maintain flexibility. The key is to attain multi-level recovery. First recovery: on the micro level. 15 minutes meditation, one hour of gym, whatever it is, a lunch break. Middle: mezo level recovery and that is a good night sleep. And finally, those vacations.
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-20 17:47:15 鱼静蓼花垂 看到你在我帖子里的留言。
怎么说呢？我之前是一点都不运动的人，从2010年3月份逐步开始锻炼身体后，意志力和控制力都磨炼出来了，虽说还不够强大，但是感觉比以前的我，好多了。
我的安排（抛砖引玉）：周一力量、周二游泳（有氧）、周三椭圆机或者固定自行车（有氧）、周四游泳（有氧）、周五力量、周六周日跑步（有氧），每次正式运动时间不超过1小时（不包括热身和放松时间），柔韧练习贯穿于运动的前面和后面以及办公间隙、晚上，可以做简单的拉伸以及瑜伽动作。
来锻炼吧，找到适合自己的，兼顾有氧、力量、柔韧，你会更加有自信，更加精力充沛地做一个潇洒的人！
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-02-21 11:01:34 tony (TED学习从现在开始。) 很好啊，我先Mark一下，以后经常来学习。
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-08-02 21:37:46 summer mark thax
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-09-02 17:30:25 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 幸福课十四节
1.stress is not the problem. The problem is lack of recovery.
90 minutes 15 recovery
2.the
other problem is we miss the real potential for happiness , for joy.
3.the key is to introduce these natural recovery periods into our lives. And here is the key. The key is focus. Focus on both work and recovery.
Quantity effects quality多则劣，少则精
Each discreet individual activity may have been a lot of fun. But together, it was too much of a good thing.但同时进行就乐极生悲了
If we can help people to simplify their lives, thus reducing their stress levels, it is very likely that people's relationships would be enriched greatly. More over, the positive aspects of their lives will be increased accordingly.
关掉手机和邮箱focus是关键
Really the key thing is actually not to do the additional things, but to do less, or rather to identify the things that you really, really want to do with your life and do them.
4.simplifying--doing less, rather than more. Say no to some opportunity.
5.如何战胜拖延症
·五分钟起步：误解是必须要有灵感激发，事实上我们要先开始有行动，然后才能有兴奋点。坚持五分钟先看看
·把计划公布出来
·团队工作
·把目标写下来
·允许自己去休整
Perfectionism
1.perfectionism is not about giving up ambition. It's about having a different approach toward the journey of our life, toward each step of the way- specifically, toward failure.
2.历史从来都不是由完人来推动的
3.心理安全：可以安全的讨论错误，不容易进入害怕失败的完美主义。
4.if you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.
第十五节课
1.比较两代成功的不同：生活与平衡。但是所有的人都有一个转折性的失败。
2.perfectionism: an incapacitating fear of failure that permeates our lives, especially those areas that we care about most.
Note the word incapacitating. It is not just a fear of failure, that is debilitating us ,that stops us, that prevents us from coping, from trying, from putting ourselves on the line.
3.追求卓越的人跟完美主义的人的目标一致，只是对于路程的认知不同
完美主义：对失败的失能性恐惧，尤其是对我们在意的方面。
两种基模：（1）完美主义：幻想，反抗自然规律，既定思维（直线到达目的）
（2）追求卓越：更现实，可扩展性思维，可变的，更高成就（螺旋式到达目的）
Pursuing excellence is about a constraint view of nature.
特征：
完美主义
追求卓越的人
自卫性
Open 乐于接受批判
关注失败
享受已经成功的东西，享受旅途
过度夸大 非黑即白
只有一种方式
更有弹性与自发性的过程和旅途
恐惧他人视自己为失败者
他们只关注目的
旅途和重点都是成功的一个部分
只能获得短暂的放松
关注长久的满足
问自己想要的生活
You may want to get.. Really want to get there, but where yo
u really are is here and now.
4.要么全有要么全没有 这是完美主义者的典型特征，然后就不敢尝试了。
追求卓越的人比完美主义者更容易牛逼。享受更容易可持续成长，固有的动力更多
完美主义是造成拖延症的主要原因之一。
更幸运的方法是尝试一些小事情、小改变
Perfectionism is the enemy of creativity.
5.80/20:asking what is most important for me? 20 percent of focus on what's important and got the 80 percent of the work done.
另外是体现在人们不同的生物钟
6.完美主义的根源：
社会因素：不奖励整个过程，而只奖励这个结果
Emphasizing effort gives a child a variable that they can control. They come to see themselves as in control of their success. Emphasizing natural intelligence takes it our of the child's control, and it provides no good recipe for responding to failure.
Essentially what happens when you focus only on the intelligence, on how smart you are, you are creating the perfectionist schema, as opposed to a schema that focuses on the journey, effort, hard work.
7.如何overcome
·self-awareness. It's about understanding.
·focus on a reward effort. When we focus on efforts people's effort, we able to change schema that has been engrained there. It's about focusing on the journey, even for failure.
Accept it then take action.
第十六节课
1.do not do unto yourself what you would not do unto others; or rather "do unto yourself what you do unto others
人所不欲勿施于己;人所欲方施于己
2.技巧：3p
The first p is the permission to be human.
The second step is reframing, interpreting the situation as positive. And what would be the benefit finder. What's the silver lining here? What is the growth opportunity here?
distracting, is looking toward other place. Sometimes analyze every single emotion, feeling , thought that comes up.
The third step is about taking perspective. Is it going to matter in a year?
心理成熟：根据自己的意念来转换自己看问题的角度。Is about the ability to willingly shift perspective. It's the ability when we want to be immersed in the here and now, and it's the ability to , when we want, take a step back. Zoom out both in time and in space, and ask the question, is this really going to matter? Or in a year? Or in a grand schema of things, space? Is this really important? And at the same time, go back almost at will.
4.可以给自己立一个长期的目标，现在只是在打草稿
Permission positive perspective
Healthy body healthy mind
灵药:1.半小时的锻炼 每周四次：根据自己的情况不要过，宁少勿多（我先从走路开始，宁可少不要过度慢慢来，同时要应用让你分心的东西，找些让你分心的东西；social support）2.至少十五分钟的意念锻炼，每周六到七次3.每24小时睡8小时 4.每天12个拥抱（可以过量）
回应 删除
举报广告 2011-09-02 17:31:07 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 第十七节课
有氧运动最好
冥想
共同点：首先他们会将注意力集中在一件事情上。
The key with meditation is not about reaching that stage when everything suddenly becomes so clear.
不开心的时候先找出身体的点，然后接受它，只需察觉到它的存在，让身体自然恢复它，不要去想我该怎么消除，为什么我这么难过，不要钻牛角尖。
But the most effective, in most situations is just to go to the body, bodily sensation. And be aware of it. Accept it. Don't try to fix it. Just let it be there and just observe it. And the, our internal healer will take care of itself. The key is to practice it often.
The first is body scan.
Practice also means when we lose focus, we go back to it.
或者是认知改变
It's useless to just constantly ruminate about it.
介绍meditation的整个过程1.05--
The effects of mindfulness meditation, mindfulness therapy- it's quite literally mind boggling. When we are doing and what mindful therapy does is change our focus from doing to being.(将我们的注意力从作为转移到不作为上）
Trying to get rid of depression in the usual problem--solving way, trying to 'fix' what's 'wrong' with us, just digs us in deeper. Rumination is part of the problem, not part of the solution.
最好的方法是呼吸
三个深呼吸时间 上课前 上课后 起床 睡觉前。把红灯当成一个呼吸的机会。
第十八节课 relationship
You need to find your quota--the same with relationships.
四个议题：
1.relationship is about hard work.
2.how to invest.
3.内涵和本质
4.欣赏它
第十九课
1.要努力经营，接受人总是追求新鲜事物这个事实
2.To be known rather than to be validated
3.the third point is about allowing for conflict in a relationship
There is no one right form of relationship
On average, in these healthy relationships, they have 1 conflict for each 5 positive interactions.
At the same time to understand it's natural. And just like we give ourselves the permission to be human on an individual level, it's important that we give our relationship the permission to be human and humane.
So neither extremes are good.
吵架有利增加感情的免疫
God is in the details
称赞对方
认可是可以预测恋爱关系的很重要的指标
Love at its--or rather sex at its highest is love made concrete.
Specifically, what research in organizational behavior shows is that healthy inter-group or intra-group conflict is cognitive conflict rather than affective conflict.
Cognitive conflict is about focusing on the person's behavior, or thoughts and ideas, and challenging those.
Unhealthy conflict is focusing on the person, on the emotions, on who they are.
It is important to avoid hostility, insult and contempt.
The Titanium rule: do not do unto those close to y
ou what you would not have done unto others who are not so close to you(你不会对泛泛之交做的事也千万不要对你亲密的人做）
健康的感情中很重要的是培养友谊
At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other's company. These couples tend to know each other intimately--they are well versed in each other's likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways, but in little ways.
Love is in the details. It's about knowing the little things, the big things. It is about sharing and being known.
第四点是积极认知，成功的伴侣比普通人更能看到对方的优点。积极感觉和积极创造
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-09-02 17:31:28 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人)
第二十一课
美丽的敌人
积极的问题：1.我的伴侣有什么优点
2.我们的关系有什么美妙之处，一开始我们为什么会在一起，我爱她 我们的哪一点 有哪些好的方面
多沟通正面的积极的事件：主动建设性的回应
我们越独立 我们越相互依赖
自尊是对能力、身份、成就、价值的自我评判
能力感+价值感 意识的免疫系统
光赞扬是没有任何意义的，他必须要与伪自尊，必须要与现实结合。
提高自尊
1.正直：言行一致
2.自我察觉，自我了解
3.承担责任，只有靠你创造生活
4.自我接纳
5.要有主见
将分层自尊，每一层都与价值感
高依赖性自尊：由别人决定；能力感是 来自于与其他人的比较
每个人都有高依赖性的自尊
这三层是渐进式的模型。如果我们有健康的高依赖性自尊，我们就会慢慢变成独立性的自尊。但是即使在最高处，也有依赖性和独立性的，对于高依赖性自尊。
我们追求真理事实上为了证明我们是正确的，对于
独立性：由自己决定；跟自己之前比
无条件自尊：有充分的自信；interdependence.从别人的东西中一样获得愉悦感。
每个人都有这三层，关键是程度
By contrast,when we reach the sate of detachment,our mind becomes cleared and more capable of enjoying things for what they are. We live more in the present, appreciating things as they are now. without fantasies about what they are or will be. We become less ego-sensitive to every action other people do in relation to us.
他不意味着冷漠，或者是回避他人情感 事实上我们更加关心他们了 更有同情心了 我们让自己远离羡慕嫉妒，高傲自卑，与别人对比的情绪，我们和他们融为一体。如同看电影，自我不受威胁。
这个成长的过程就像是学走路的过程。有顺其自然
第二十二课
自尊的稳定性而不是
自尊本身决定了自尊的层次
培养方法：
独立型自尊的行为是calm: meditation physical exercise.
想象一下你在一个没有人知道的世界中，你会怎么样--在做决定的时候
什么东西对你来说是重要的即使没有掌声
什么情况下你忘我过
Those who chase after their honor honor will run away from them . Those who run from honor, honor will chase them.
慢慢来，可以减少随波逐流的程度
非常留意自己的说话来培养正常
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-09-02 17:35:23 五月十年 (做一个潇洒的人) 之前做完的一直都忘记放上去了，这是我第一次坚持按照计划完成的课程学习，不单单是从课程中收获良多，而且坚持上课学习思考的这个过程本身也让我进步不少。以前总是没有毅力，拖延症。但经过这一趟的学习改变了太多太多了，唯一美中不足的是教授讲的那些日常训练有一部分没有跟上。
回应 删除 举报广告 2011-12-01 10:56:57 Kaijidxl (你将时间投入的地方决定了你是谁) 好！！英文记录，一起学习
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